I guess I was wrong

I remember when I first saw you in class and said to myself, “Okay, he’s cute.  This class won’t be a drag after all.”  And then you were also in my other class.  This would be a great term.

I don’t actually remember how and when we started talking.  I think it was during our Monday class break and we both went out to get water.  Or maybe it was after our Monday class on our way out of the building.

And then there were those nights of chatting and days meeting to finish our assignments.  And that awkward moment of waiting for you at Casa Roces so we can go to our class together.

I would like to think that I am more than just a classmate, or a tutor, or whatever.  I would like to think that at the very least, you consider me a friend.  I would be lying if I say that that was all I wanted.  Because I wanted more.  I still do.  But I can’t do this anymore.

I understand how you want to focus on settling down on your new job and how you want to finish grad school and how you don’t have time left for a commitment. I get that.

I remember telling you that it was fine if you were seeing someone else, I’d be happy to step out of the picture.  But I also remember you telling me that you’d be honest with me if things didn’t go our way.  I held on to that statement.  Sadly, it seems like you won’t be doing that — even if things now, obviously, are not going our way.

I’m sad, I admit.  And while I find it disappointing, you have every right to dump me in any way you see fit.  Because I know that all the good things and “progress” I thought were happening, they were all just in my head.  I just kept on rationalizing every curious actions on your part and I kept overselling your kindness or your remarks as something more that they clearly were not.

I kept telling my friends that I’m giving it another month. And another month. And another month.  Until this month.

I told my best friend that if you did nothing good or sweet on my birthday, then that was it.  I’d take that as a clear sign that I’m on a one way street.  That you were not into me.  And then my birthday came.  And you greeted me through a text message.  And when I said thanks, that was it.  No response until 10 hours later.

That was it.

I wanted to ask you out again.  In fact, I asked you last month and checked if you have any day free this month for us to see each other again.  And you said you couldn’t go out the whole month and that you had your reasons.  I respected that.

But then yesterday, I found out that you went out with someone you met online just a few days ago.  And that you are going out with him again tomorrow.

I guess, I expected and hoped for you to be honest with me.  Because I have been nothing but honest with you.

I guess I was wrong.

‘Kita Kita’ Review [POSSIBLE SPOILERS]

Kita-Kita[POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK]

I’m a sucker for romantic comedy films and for the better part of the film, I was laughing and rooting for the leads’ love story.  But as the film revealed how the story of Tonyo (Empoy Marquez) and Lea (Alessandra de Rossi) came to be, I could not help but be troubled and disturbed.  All the romance and magic I felt during the early parts of the film suddenly vanished.

I was bothered and creeped out.  And I still do not understand how those gestures got romanticized and somehow accepted as gestures made by someone who is in love with and cares deeply for the other person.

The first part of the film felt overly dramatic but I understood that it was presented as the the foundation of the lead’s story.  Those sequences made us root for Lea’s eventual happiness.

And we were rooting for her.  But I, along with my fellow cinema goers at SM Mall of Asia, were rooting more for Tonyo.  How he tirelessly pursued Lea until he caught her attention and eventually her love.  How he showed her true friendship in the middle of what could have been a very depressing moment in Lea’s life.

Empoy was really charming and funny as Tonyo, who wanted to show Lea that she could still live her life as she pleases; that she could move forward from her tragic relationship and her temporary blindness.

But what happened at the final third of the movie was downright creepy.  When the film started to show Tonyo’s side of the story, I was wishing that my guess wasn’t true.  But it was.  Tonyo’s gestures leading up to him being with Lea could be considered as some of our parents’ worst nightmares.  One could say that Tonyo was obsessed with Lea.  And after learning all that, I could not bring myself to admire Tonyo’s so-called “love” for her.

No amount of charming acting or stunning visual would be enough to mask this disturbing backstory.

Just like the movie’s premise,  ‘Kita Kita’  was a good film only while the viewer is still blinded by the limits of how far someone can go just to be with the person he likes.

Different Home

It has been a couple of weeks already since you left. I was really afraid then, thinking I would have a hard time adjusting. 

Don’t get me wrong. The first few days were really difficult. It was the first time in six years (almost 4 of which were spent in my current apartment) that I came home to a place without you there. There were days in the past that you didn’t come home (which became more frequent after we broke up), but I was fine then because I knew that it was still your home.

But I think I am better now. I still feel sad from time to time when I come home and find no one there whom I can talk to randomly when I would feel like it. That sucks, no? Knowing how talkative I am as a person, spending the whole night without speaking to anyone can sometimes depress the hell out of me.

More than the random conversations, what I actually miss the most is your company. Not that we became buddies in the last couple of years that we shared an address. That is my one regret–that we never became really good friends after we broke up. And I guess that is partly the reason why I am sad. It will now be more difficult for me to try and be friends with you now that we don’t live together anymore. Like there would barely be any reason for us to see each other again.

It may take some time, but I would eventually be okay and maybe even happy being alone in that place we spent days looking for. I would eventually redecorate it and give it its new identity. Right now, it still shows some of your personality, some of the memories and memorabillas we had over the years. The three stuffed toys are still on display. The styrofoam door decor with our names carved are still tacked in my cork board. The cook books you bought me are of course still places in my shelf.

Who knows, maybe someday I’ll keep them in a storage box somewhere. But until then, these pieces are what keeps me sane. Knowing that you may have already left, but that apartment will never be truly empty. It is home to more than 3 years of memories.

Somehow, someday, and although it may look the same, my place will feel different.