It’s been two months since I ate dinner. Well, except those two or three nights that I spent with my college friends where I was forced to eat dinner. But even in these sinful nights, it is noticeable that the amount of food I eat lessened. Also, I haven’t been eating rice during lunch since I started working. Of course, there are those days when I just give in to what my tummy desires. I also chose eating healthier food: more fruits, vegetable, lean meat, less junk foods and fat.
Aside from dieting, I also started exercising last week. Dumbells, crunches, dancing, and push-ups. I have been researching online on how to do all these properly for me not to end with broken ligaments and bones.
My motivation for doing all these, unfortunately, isn’t primarily to have a healthier body. I’m doing these for others to appreciate me, well, more than how much they do now. My close friends know how insecure I am and the way I belittle myself. Hell, I even had a blog one named “Billietled.” Corny and annoying, no?
But seriously, I want other to see me better as a person, physically at least. And I know it’s possible that’s why I’m doing this.
Also there’s Yang. I really wanted to prepare for the day when we will finally meet, assuming that it WILL happen. Of course, I wouldn’t face him looking all lanky, fat, and… unattractive. Yang’s really health conscious and he is also working out so just imagine how good-looking and cute he is. Just typing this makes me blush. Alright, I’ll admit, I’m very hopeful that we’ll one day meet and eventually become very good friends.
Keeping yourself fit and healthy is great in all aspects, but having the wrong motivation may just kill it all. What if one day I realize that we will never meet or even if we meet, we won’t be good friends? I may just stop eating healthier food, exercising, and working out. I may just stop having the mindset that I have now, that looking good and being healthy is possible. That’s the part I still need to work on. I must shift to a more proper and appropriate motivation in doing these. I know somewhere inside me that it’s there, that voice saying, “Hey Billie, you’re doing all these to live a healthier live, for you too see yourself better, for you to get rid of all these insecurities.”
I just need to find that voice, and believe in it. Well, maybe one of these days.