I’m sad

because of so many things. That’s all I’m gonna say for now. 😦

This weekend brought me a lot of realizations in my life. Things that I know I tried to hide to myself for some time now.

For one, my ex-partner told me that he’s hurting from what he’s hearing about what I’m doing. He’s hurt that i seemed to have moved on so easily. He’s hurt because he thinks that there’s something wrong with him that’s why here I am, immediately looking for someone to “replace” him.

When we broke up, I thought that we could be friends after some time, and I tried to be friends with him. But I did not know that this attempt of mine to get close to him still hurts him.

This “replacement” he was talking about is  my crush, Yang. He thought that I’m so eager to pursue Yang that I even decided to work in Singapore just so I will have the chance to meet him. Yes, that was part of my reasons why I wanted to work in Singapore. But that’s just not it. I also wanted to find for a better-paying job to help my parents.

So last Friday, when ex and I talked over FB chat, I told him that I wont communicate with him until he thinks he’s ready. That’s the only way I know I can help him move on.

Another realization was the odds of meeting my crush, Yang, personally, even if I go to Singapore. Why? Because he’s already seeing someone, and it seems that he likes him a lot. Also, if I ever want to have even just a minute chance of him liking me, I know I have to improve a lot of things on myself. Ergo, my decision to work out and diet to look physically better. Well, now that I found him liking someone else, that determination is slowly slipping away. This realization also narrowed my wanting to go to Singapore. Well, even before I knew he’s dating, I sort of admitted to myself that it would still take some form of a miracle for us to meet in Singapore, granted that his school and my office are in the same area.

So there, I am now in the process of letting my crush go. As if he was ever mine. But I need to do this without sacrificing my desire to stay fit, healthy, and better-looking.

This weekend was sad. Also I have been crying myself to sleep for five straight days now. I need friends.


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