The (Un)holy me

Religion. God. Probably two of the hardest topics for me to talk about. Not that I don’t have anything to say about it. Heck, I have a lot to say about it especially in this country where the Catholic Church think that they’re of higher stature than the government, but I won’t touch that in this post. So serious for my liking.

I watched Glee last night, and tears were (almost) shed. IT was the best episode yet for the show, including the 1st season, and a big redemption from their sensuality-filled, Britney-dedicated, sucky second episode. This episode made me think about religion, God, being gay, and how everything seem to tangle.

I believe in God. I think I believe in God more lately than I ever was before. I stopped going to church around three years ago. I thought because I was just too lazy to go, but later I realized that I have been unwillingly attending mass way, way back. That I’m just ‘forced’ to go to church because my mother is devout Catholic, and I studied high school in a secular school. But I don’t actually get the point of attending mass, of gathering in one place just to talk to Him.

When I started not attending mass, my mom would force me to go with her but I refused, saying that it would be more sinful if I unwillingly go with her. Now, she just doesn’t bother anymore. She just occasionally asks me if I still pray.

Of course I pray. I pray countless times a day. Not the taught way of praying (sign of the cross, recitation of fixed prayers, etc.). I’d like to believe that I am not a prayerful person, but rather a man of prayer. I hope you clearly see the difference. And I do not feel the need to kneel down, go inside a church, hold a rosary, or close my eyes to pray. I pray when I walk, while I eat my lunch, watch TV, while I cry.

I’m not saying that what religion is teaching to people are wrong. I just don’t see the need to follow them. Besides, I don’t need any religion to believe in God. I know I can directly talk to God to thank Him for everything, to say sorry for my sins, and to wish.

I used to call myself agnostic, but I found it so cliche nowadays. Like it’s in if you’re ‘agnostic.’ So now I don’t label myself. I just believe in God.

Another thing about this religion and God topic is the ever controversial gay stand of the Catholic church. They’re still against it because the Bible “says” so, and that God only created to sexes, man and woman. Now I won’t try to oppose the church’s stand on this issue. Besides, I think they’re one of those institutions that are so uptight, you’d need more than enough will power and mass revolution to even shake their beliefs.

What I will say about this topic is simple. I first “outed” to God, before anyone else. When I was sure that I’m gay and accepted it, I prayed and told it to Him. Of course I did not get a direct answer like “I hate you, go to hell,” neither an “It’s alright, you’re still my son.” But I know that He understood. I know that nothing has changed. He still loves me. Because with the people I’m with now, my mom who still loves me after I told her, the friends who don’t seem to care about it, and the blessing I’ve been getting everyday, I know He still loves me.

So my religion may be all arms up against it, but I don’t care. I don’t need their approval. For as long as I know the He understands and that He still cares, I know I’ll be fine.

I’m The Babbler, I refuse to label myself in any religion,but I believe in God. And yes, I pray every night before I sleep. Sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears. I’m gay, and yes, I pray


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