My partner always tell me, when I ask him if he still loves me after every fight we have, “Yan ka na naman. Feeling mo ganyan kababaw yung pagmamahal ko sayo. (There you go again. You always feel like I don’t love you that much.)“
Well, personally, I do not feel like I’m judging his love for me. It’s more about fear that makes me ask him every time we get into a fight. Fear that he gets tired of me. Fear that he leaves me because of all the drama. I’m one of those people who think that sometimes, love is not enough for you to stay in a relationship. I’m not questioning my partner’s love for me. I’m just afraid that there’s nothing else left but love. No happiness. Not contentment. No satisfaction. I don’t want that for myself as well.
Listening to this new Jason Mraz song made me realize how I underestimate my partner and his commitment to me. It’s like fear has blinded me of all his efforts to show how much he treasures me. All the signs and clues are everywhere, yet sometimes, I refuse to see them. Or maybe, I do see them. I just do not intently look at them because I am preoccupied with all my fears and paranoia.
I know we will not just give up on each other.
It’s been ages since I’ve imagined what my dream partner would be like. I have kept all the details in my mind. It’s time I let go of that fantasy, because at the end of the day, when we’re already in bed, preparing to sleep, it is him, after all, who I have been dreaming of for a long time. Maybe with a different set of personalities and hobbies, or taste in music, or movies. Maybe my partner is not who I imagined my dream partner to be.
But hey, that’s just fantasy. He is my reality. And with that, I have so much to be thankful for.