Untitled 02/10/2013

How do I begin this?

Last night, after a year of not seeing each other, I once again saw him. My ex-boyfriend who I (now) know still holds a heavy heart for me.

One of the reasons why I really wanted to go to my college org’s alumni event was to see him and make amends. It has been almost three years since we broke up. Alright, since I broke up with him and I thought and hoped that maybe he is now ready to let our past go and be friends, somehow.

On my way to the event, I have had so many thoughts on how I would approach him once I see him. And I have played so many scenes where we would just laugh about what we had before.

Thinking that it was my best weapon. I approached him with my usual funny and talkative self. From the get go, I already felt the awkwardness between us. And why wouldn’t there be? We were the favorite couple in our org back in college then I broke it all of, twice. And when my current partner and I were in UP and we chanced upon my orgmates, including my ex-boyfriend, I introduced my partner to everyone except him.

I really wanted to be friends with him because I know how great of a friend he is. I guess last night was just not the right time for it yet.

He was honest enough to tell me that us being friends would be quite hard to do from his end. And I understand where he was coming from. I guess I was just being too idealistic when I thought that almost three years were enough for both of us to get over whatever feelings (in his case, hatred) we had for each other.

And despite the slim chance that you will stumble upon this blog post, I still want you to know, Ian Vincent Imperial, that I am truly and sincerely sorry.

The way I broke up with you was really immature and insensitive. You didn’t deserve that. But breaking up with you was probably the best thing I did for you. Because I know that if I stayed with you, I would just ruin you. Because I was a jerk back then. And looking back at it now, I was never really that good of a boyfriend to you. I took you for granted.

After last night, I now doubt if we will ever be friends again. I mean, we were friends, even for just a short time, before we became a couple. So in those two years after we broke up, I was hoping that the time would come when we would be friends again.

But with everything that you’ve told me, and quite surprisingly, with what you haven’t told me, I am quite sure that it would still take a much longer time before you fully forgive me.

What we had before was something special to me. You were my first serious boyfriend. And the memories of us that I have are all great. And I am sorry because somehow, I know that it is not the case for you. You probably remember how I would always turn things around and put the blame on you when we would argue or how I would get mad if I didn’t get what I want. Or how I broke up with you the first time. Or how I broke up with you again two months after.

I am sorry. And although my hopes of being friends with you is quite far fetched, I still hold on to that hope.

I am just thankful that I have the alumni gathering every year to see you and try to make it up to you and see if you have already forgiven me.

I wish you well. I wish you find that someone who will love you the way you should be loved. And I wish you find that person who will make you happy that way I found mine now.

I am sorry.

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