Realizations and Contemplation

(Blog post caused by long holiday and lack of things to do)

I don’t think I will ever get over what I did. I will move on. But the memory and consequence of what I did will always be with me.

But I want to start not feeling bad for myself because of what happened. Time and again, friends have reassured me that while that certain decision was not my finest moment, it was something anyone could have done and that I should not persecute myself over it for such a long time. It has almost been a year.

I know I have found the one. I know I did. But I let go because someone showed a remote promise that there could be more. I even tried to justify my decision by saying that it was for the best for both of us. But deep down I knew I was wrong. I don’t know if it was pride or mere stubbornness, but I refused to back down from my own doing. I saw it through. And the end result was not what I hoped.

I know I have found the one. But I also know that I won’t be getting a second chance. At least not any time soon. I am not even sure if I want to. I feel like I’ve caused so much pain that I need this punishment. I need to feel the consequence of what I did. I need to live with it.

But you see, that’s the thing. I need to stop treating this as a punishment. This is my life now. All that happened — my decision, him, our memories, what could’ve beens, what ifs — they are all in the past.

And as much as I would want to turn back time and not do what I did, there is no use in hoping that everything will just reverse and go back to what it used to.

This is my life now. This is not how I wanted it to be, but I can still choose to live it. And I can still choose to live it well.

It has almost been a year. I feel like I have a grown as a person. I could’ve chosen a different way or circumstance, but I have grown nonetheless.

All is in the past now. I need to remind myself that all I can do from this point forward is improve and grow even more. I need to be a better version of myself; a version of myself that I can be proud of. I need to be that version of myself that is ready for that second chance–or maybe even a new chance.

They say you only get one great love and that when you find it, you should never let it go. I may have found my one great love and I may have let it go but who’s to say that there is no greater love out there, waiting, looking for me. And if there’s none, at least I can say that I have loved. I may have made a mistake, but at least I loved.

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