Different Home

It has been a couple of weeks already since you left. I was really afraid then, thinking I would have a hard time adjusting. 

Don’t get me wrong. The first few days were really difficult. It was the first time in six years (almost 4 of which were spent in my current apartment) that I came home to a place without you there. There were days in the past that you didn’t come home (which became more frequent after we broke up), but I was fine then because I knew that it was still your home.

But I think I am better now. I still feel sad from time to time when I come home and find no one there whom I can talk to randomly when I would feel like it. That sucks, no? Knowing how talkative I am as a person, spending the whole night without speaking to anyone can sometimes depress the hell out of me.

More than the random conversations, what I actually miss the most is your company. Not that we became buddies in the last couple of years that we shared an address. That is my one regret–that we never became really good friends after we broke up. And I guess that is partly the reason why I am sad. It will now be more difficult for me to try and be friends with you now that we don’t live together anymore. Like there would barely be any reason for us to see each other again.

It may take some time, but I would eventually be okay and maybe even happy being alone in that place we spent days looking for. I would eventually redecorate it and give it its new identity. Right now, it still shows some of your personality, some of the memories and memorabillas we had over the years. The three stuffed toys are still on display. The styrofoam door decor with our names carved are still tacked in my cork board. The cook books you bought me are of course still places in my shelf.

Who knows, maybe someday I’ll keep them in a storage box somewhere. But until then, these pieces are what keeps me sane. Knowing that you may have already left, but that apartment will never be truly empty. It is home to more than 3 years of memories.

Somehow, someday, and although it may look the same, my place will feel different. 

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I guess my fear is that a day passes with no one thinking about me.

I guess it is only meant to get easier with time.